The Secret life of Paul Murphy.

Mystery

Paul Murphy MP for Torfaen has done a Lazarus. He is restored as Secretary of State for Wales and reunited with his beloved red boxes, chauffeur driven car and swish Gwydir House. Paul is a politician of mystery.  Even after years of service in the cabinet, he is still the unknown politician.

He is Incurably Blairist. Sybaritically fond of classical music and fine food. Blissfully recalls using gold cutlery when guest of the French government. Son of a miner, he loved being Minister-on-call in Hillsborough Castle. Third generation Irish, did not attend a Catholic secondary school and is thus a devout Catholic. Views his political life as a preparation for beatification.

Francophile. Possibly the only politician regularly accompanied by his spiritual adviser when on holiday. Has frontbench low level gravitas. Fierce opponent of devolution in 1979. Passionate on curbing new powers to the Welsh Assembly, tribally Labour, good mimic (especially of Leo Abse), Oxford-educated historian, an enthusiastic cook and bachelor.

Paul’s Odyssey

Murder
In the bad old days of overcrowded offices, I shared a room with seven MPs plus assorted researchers. Order and tidiness were impossible. Desks disappeared under a tip of papers. To compensate, a sign was fixed on the door saying 'A tidy desk is proof of a diseased mind.' We learned to survive in and love our squalor - except Paul Murphy. There was never a scrap of paper on his polished desk. For hours it gleamed mockingly at us. His desk was polished and paperless. A remedy frequently contemplated by the other six of us was homicide.

Identity crisis
Paul and I have long suffered the irritation of being confused with each other. I have seen Paul on the television being harangued by an interviewer, ‘Tell me Mr Flynn…'
I gave a talk to the Gwent police some years ago. I was asked to be provocative so I mugged on the then imprisoned Birmingham six and Guildford four. All had been wrongfully jailed because of faulty identification.

The Chief Constable introduced me, ” Good of the local MP to give up his Saturday to talk to us. Give a big hand for Mr Paul Murphy”

It was the best possible introduction, “So much for the accuracy of police identification…” He had made my case for me.

Jarred
When SOS for Northern Ireland he told the Parliamentary Labour party 'There are pros and cons for this and pros and cons against. '
He was quoting the words of a past Labour Party Chairman in setting out his stall for his tough task. 'As number one, you have no one else to blame' he confessed. A symbolic legacy left behind in the office by John Reid was a 'vegetarian haggis in a jar’.

Lazy
A few years ago a hideously unfair accusation of laziness was hurled at Paul. He was one of the few MPs left behind to work through a Thursday night on a dreary Finance Bill. The rest of the House had gone home to bed or back to their constituencies for the weekend. Paul had made his fifteenth speech that day and was feeling hard done by.

He rang home to Cwmbran and asked if there was any news. 'Yes' a relative explained,’ the local television company has analysed the workload of the 38 Welsh MPs. They have put them in league table, with the busiest on top and the laziest on the bottom.' Paul was horrified to hear that he had been branded as one of the least hardworking MPs. 'Am I on the bottom of the list?' he shrieked indignantly. 'Not the bottom' his relative consoled him. 'There are two MPS below you. But they're both dead'.

Dumped
In 2005 the triumph of the election victory turned to sadness for a crop of able ministers including Chris Mullin, Paul Murphy, and Dennis MacShane. By universal consent they were all performing superbly well. Each had the usual call, 'Sorry, I'm going to have to let you go. I need your job.' Their replacements are able and talented and will give the Government new vigour. There remains the puzzle of why blameless ministers are churned and cast aside in a process of perpetual renewal.

Big spender?
In the first publication on MPs' expenses, the Argus announced that Paul Murphy MP had claimed more than £18,000 in travel expenses. This made him the top spender for Gwent. There was a picture and a headline. The true amount was nothing. There was a minute correction a few days later but no apology. They had confused him with Scottish MP Jim Murphy.

Progress
The British-Irish Parliamentary body has been meeting for 16 years now. Composed of British and Irish MPs, TDs, AMs, and MSPs, it has bridged many of the deep misunderstandings of politicians on both sides of the Irish Sea. It has succeeded in sweeping away many of the old prejudices.

The only absentees have been the Ulster Unionists and the DUP. Their contribution is vital. Pictured is DUP deputy leader Peter Robinson addressing the 'Body' with Paul Murphy chairing on the platform and Sinn Fein TD Arthur Morgan (with glasses) listening intently. It's substantial progress.

Bond
Since early childhood Paul Murphy and Don Touhig have been pals. They bonded like brothers. Their shared Labour Party loyalties got them both elected to Gwent County Council. They stood shoulder to shoulder in opposition to devolution in 1979. Now they are both Papal Knights.

Inertia
Paul Murphy was a reluctant convert to a weak brew of devolution when he was a Shadow Welsh Office Minister. As the new Welsh Field Marshal, he tried to rally his army at the Bournemouth Conference in September 1999 with a unique battle cry. It was not ‘Forward to battle, troops! ‘ or even ‘Full Retreat!’. Rather, it was, ‘Stay exactly where you are’. He described the present wretched, weak and unstable Welsh devolution as ‘settled’.

Charade
An MP once did a party charade in which he invited others to guess ‘Who am I?’ He then opened and closed his mouth like a goldfish, shifted from one foot to the other while gazing at the ceiling. The answer to this conundrum was ‘Paul Murphy, singing the Welsh National Anthem’.

Bigotry
Paul’s antagonism to the Welsh language is not skin deep. He shares with MPs Alan Williams (Swansea West) and Llew Smith a tribal phobia of Welsh. His high office will inhibit him. He did a splendid job in Northern Ireland where his sincere devout Catholicism was no impediment in his work with all denominations. Miraculously he won the respect pf Ian Paisley who teased him about where he parked his Papal Knight sword. Both set aside their religious views in side silos and cooperated well in a bigotry-free space of their own creation. Paul earned the admiration of all sides. He will do the same again in Wales.

Comments

[Jolly Roger]

I'm happy to see that I've made an impression,
and livened up your blogging session.
Sometimes it's good to strike a chord.
It helps stop the punters getting bored.

Unfortunately, I have this odd affliction,
Which compels me to rhythmically rhyme my diction.
I even get trouble when shopping at Tesco's,
What with their wordy and non-rhyming frescos.

When I'm asked if I need some help to pack.
I cannot help but answer them back:
Thank you for your generous offer,
It's really nice of you to proffer.
But I can manage all the same, And wouldn't wish you to feel any blame.

With regard to the Laureate Poet.
I could do it, and don't I know it?
Unfortunately, I would be excluded.
By the Welsh language crowd, who would not be deluded
By my lack of Welsh, Oh woe is me.
I'll stick to the day job for the times that be.

[paulflynn]

Thank you Jolly Roger. I read your first Ode at the Dinner table today and it was thoroughly appreciated. Although I don't think the Poet Laureate's job is likely to be yours, you have greatly enlivened this blog

[Jolly-ish Roger]

Thanks for your tentative words of praise.
I don't get many of those these days.
Verse, being good enough for Billy Shake.
Certainly keeps the punters awake.
There again, am I really Roger?
Or could it be that I'm just pulling your todger?

With regard to Peter and Paul.
Present company excepted, I don't have the gall.
Their similarities, like pods of peas.
Working for a government mired in sleaze.
Assures me not of any changes.
They're simply riders of the ranges.
Cowboys by a better name.
In politics for cash and fame.

I could continue, at risk of boring.
Methinks I hear a stifled snoring.
So now it's time to end my prose.
No Paul, I don't think YOU'RE one of those.

[paulflynn]

Thanks Valleysmam. That's is a fascinating and wholly plausible insight.

[Valleysmam]

I worked with Paul Murphy in Ebbw Vale College.
His desk was the same there, plus a whole load of gentlemen’s toiletries some one view some not.
However us women were only allowed to visit not reside, women in business studies, as the department was then, were assigned their own staff room, and banned by a cabal from residency in the upper room. They had the fridge too, but we were forbidden a place for our milk there in. The more enlightened came to reside down stairs. Its little wonder there was an equal opps. enquiry at the College.

[paulflynn]

Thanks -not so jolly -Roger. the first verse for this blog. Well done on your knowledge of Odo Hain the Shapeshifter.

Robbing Peter to reward Paul is not progress. They are both better human beings than the 'snouters' that you describe. they both made a difference in Northern Ireland

[Jolly Roger]

So Peter's gone I hear you say.
Time to shout Hip Hip Hooray.
He'll be seeking pastures new,
On the Gravy train, EU.
He'll be back, have no doubt.
'Cos where there's a trough,
There's Peter's snout.

He's shifted shape, time and again,
That's the way with Peter Hain.
He sleeps as liquid in a bucket.
This time he awoke and just said...

I don't think I'll go in today.

Paul Murphy's back, he's reinstated.
What have we done to be so fated?
Another snouter, of that I'm sure.
It's just that he's an interminable bore.

[paulflynn]

I probably was kinder than I should have been. But I have known him for 40 years and he has some fine qualities.

Having him burdened with office means that half the anti-coalition duo is neytralised. Cheer up. It could have been Don Touhig or Kim Howells. That would not have pleased you.

Come back Peter.

[valleylad]

Did you write this to wind me up? You started well but then moved "on message". I can't think of any vote he has cast that would meet with the approval of the majority of his constituents.
I can't think of anything useful he has ever achieved for Wales or his constituency. I was ecstatic when he became SoS for NI since it would obviously keep him out of Wales more and (at the time) I hoped the paramilitaries would have caused a byelection.

Unfortunately he demonstrates that a monkey with a red rosette would get elected here (and I'm not commenting on the obvious physical similarities).

Fortunately I was lucky enough to be able to vote for one of the greatest backbenchers ever (actually on my 18th birthday) but there is no way I would ever support this anti-Welsh, god bothering fifth rate party hack of a blairite yes man. Frankly if I thought anyone (other than a tory) had a good chance of unseating that grinning buffoon, I would vote for them.

It is people like Murphy who give political parties a bad reputation (I want to vote for a person I can support), and who turn people off voting.